Thursday, March 25, 2010

Love you people

So I miss my morning bus as usual. It’s not at all unusual but I am mightily pissed off. I stand contemplating my options in the hot sun. According to my religious beliefs I am supposed to forgive those who pisses me off (modern jargon). I write down the list mentally:

Our Bus driver: I suspect our CEO pays him extra bucks to reach the 10 minutes early to our battle field. And he is also paid extra bucks to take the bus out early in the evening, leaving the work horses back in the field for some more work until the next bus shifts.

He arrives too early (I consider 7:55am as early) and he never waits for a few seconds for the lesser beings. But he is not totally evil. He gives his phone number to the good looking girls, so that they can borrow a few more minutes.

Yes, I admit, I hate him for no fault of his

My X-Manager: This feeling will be shared by all my fellow workers all around the world. Managers are suckers, no doubt. But he has simply graduated himself to a ****sucker. I have no reason to like him and so won’t list the reasons of dislike. He is slimy and has this unique ability to fuck everyone around throughout the year. He has this affiliation for sycophancy to make him a strong candidate for MHM(Most Hated Manager).

AuntyB: Presenting to you The Office bitch of the century. She bitches about everyone to everyone. Even her poor husband isn’t spared. My condolences for him. But I admit she is extremely good at it. She managed to get a high review (for sitting at home and going back by 2pm if at all she comes) from my X-Manager. She had this ability to reveal the huge cleavage (knowingly/unknowingly) during crucial meetings.

In a weak moment she forgot the basic principle of bitching - Don’t bitch the untouchables. She was thrown out of the team.

Petty: Her only problem is she doesn’t have the class to carry off whatever game she plays. At the end of every affair she ends up looking miserable and still shamelessly plunges into her next venture.

Vaishakh: Moving to a new city is tough during your school days. I sat for months in my class without a single friend. V made matters worse for me when he made fun off me in every single chance he got. But later we became thick friends. So no hard feelings.

Koshy Uncle: I cant really blame him. When you are old and got nothing better to do, you poke your head into the neighbor’s affairs. He is quite harmless if avoided. But if he get involved he can vigorously and emotionally bad mouth anybody.

Mimoh: The girl I always loved. And she didn’t give a damn about me. I got a phrase vestigial feelings. The ones that can hurt you at moments when you have nothing better to think about.

Uncle Grey: Each time he pays us a visit, he promises to get me out of here. In return I will have to listen to his lengthy discourses. I have been listening for two years to his discourses nodding my head with a smile plastered on my face. And nothing good have come out of it.

So you see, I have a very few list of people I hate/ used to hate/ wished to hate. I am a totally likeable guy. So girls, if you are looking out for a totally likeable/loveable guy, here I am.

Meanwhile I am taking a deep breath to forgive them who have/ haven’t wronged me.


Tuesday, March 23, 2010

One mistake of my life

Soon after seeing the worst movies of the year I made one more mistake.
Before going to the details, just a preview of the story. Soon after the movie ‘3 idiots’ was released, Hindi movie industry was taken by storm on the controversy involving the credits for the story. The hero/villain behind the controversy was a man named Chetan Baghat.

Chetan claimed he was told the story of the film is just ‘inspired’ from his first book ‘3 point someone’. After watching the movie he now felt that movie was entirely based on his novel and so he should have been given the credits of the story.

Rather unusually the fans of Chetan started fighting in their own way through blogs, debates, boycotts etc. I was rather amused. Is this guy as good as his fans claim him to be? And as his books weren’t costly I picked up one-‘One night at call centre’, equally best seller as the first one. My good friends had warned that the book is not as good as the hype.

I have finished half the book. I am planning to sue the publishing house for misleading the customers with those ‘New York Times review’. Chetan Baghat claims the book to be realistic view on new generation youngster’s life. It seems Indian youngsters are only bothered to find a girl, date, screw, dump and marry someone else. Are dating and marriage the only things that we bother about. I don’t know. No Comments.

The book is no literary piece. It has a dull flow and the events are arranged in the wrong sequence. I guess CB wanted it to be made into a film and kept it in mind when he wrote it.
In Kerala there is a terminology ‘sparrow-stories’. It’s cheap novel with sex, fights, tears mixed into masala proportions so that the reader gets 100% entertainment at a cheap cost. I felt the same about the ‘best selling’ book. It’s not worth the hype.

Well I am not so cruel. Here are the good points:
CB made the Indian youths to read SOMETHING. 2 out of 5 young people will swear by CB. It gives some form of consolation that we haven’t lost the habit of reading.

Indians are the greatest voyeurs. We love sting operations and secretly enjoy the sex scenes shot secretly. The book fulfills our voyeuristic pleasure when we are given a peek into the lives of BPO employees- their uncertainties, worries and egos. You get a peek into the lives at the other end of phone.

He does not over dramatize things. In fact the entire book is under dramatized to point of boredom.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Two worst flicks of all time

Oscar awards are something an entire world looks up to. We see some of the best movie getting nominated from around the world. But sadly we don’t always see the best ones walking away with the award. Sadly the awards have to fulfill some vested interests and satisfy some twisted beliefs. I had the first doubts when ‘The Passion of Christ’ filed to win any relevant awards.

This year there was some uneasiness when movies like ‘District9’ made to the final lists.

The ‘best actress’ list had some serious contenders. But Sandra Bullock surprised everyone when she walked away with the award. So I went ahead and picked the DVD hoping its going to be a real life inspirational movie. But sadly it was one of my biggest disappointments.

When the movie ends by showing the real life characters, I was left in open mouthed astonishment. ‘A real life story which is portrayed as unreal’- this should have been the caption.
Well something I can’t really fathom is the blacks in USA seems to be living on the kindness of whites still. At least that’s what the film seems to say. I never saw a relevant black figure on screen. This is the USA which condemns the third world countries for racism and human rights. Another joke was the frequent use of the phrase ‘Christian duty’. Being a Christian I am pretty confused of the meaning in which it’s used. In short, it’s a movie to keep the white conservatives happy and the black boys grateful for the wonderful ‘white’ ‘Christian’ neighbors God has provided them.

I haven’t seen such a perfect American family except in the advertisements. Dad is so pleased with his dominating, strict wife. Perhaps he is so happy that whatever happens he gets to screw a forever hot wife at the end of the day. The over intelligent and over smart kid is loveable but irritates you with over grown performance. The family seems to be watching football throughout the day. Is there nothing else in the TV for them to watch? And the ultimate aim of the family is to get into the same university.

They are so good and loving that they happily welcome a giant, dumb, poor, black kid into their household. Even the teenage daughter is absolutely cool with it.

Apart from these, I haven’t seen an Oscar movie which fails in the technical side too. ‘The worst casting ever seen, award should have gone for the movie. I remember seeing an old, white, racist in the football stadium and wondering ‘Where did this guy crawl out from?’

I have no clue why the opening shot was the protagonist being questioned by an enforcement agency. Later it turns out that it is no turning point of the movie. Who did the screenplay?
Dialogues came straight out of an outdated novel.

I don’t want to sound too rude. There were positives too, like the black boy’s acting and Sandra Bullock’s butts. She walks around throughout, happily wiggling it.

And the next forgettable movie I saw the last week was ‘Edge of Darkness’. I read from a stupid newspaper that this one was going to break the ‘Avatar’ collection. So I hurriedly picked up the DVD excepting a ‘Lethal Weapon’.
But Mel Gibson is too old for that and walks throughout the movie resembling a grumpy, sad, old man. The director over did the imagination of Mel seeing his young daughter. The climax turned out to be tame with only a few bad men getting shot. I was excepting a big evil corporation taken down by the mighty Mel.

To make the matters worse apart from Mel everybody made sure they did their worst acting. The daughter’s boyfriend and the helper friend acted the emotional scenes as if the nuclear wastes had gone into their heads.

The man who is to be hanged to death for acting was the one sent to clean up the operation. He looked dead from the beginning.
‘Edge of darkness’ proved that singular brilliance needn’t necessarily save the day.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Loved ones

Lisa was terribly upset. The teacher she had so much admired just got transferred. He was her hero and may be the first love.

And the stupid dad of hers, Homer, never seems to understand a thing. All he cares about is watch dumb programmes in Television. She really missed some shoulder to lean upon and cry.

She was lying in bed when Homer walks to her room. He cracks stupid jokes to make her smile and that adds to her irritation.

Homer tells her 'You are right Lisa. I don't know how it feels when someone you loved walks away. Everyone I ever loved lives under this roof.
Lisa a day will come when every one you love will live with you under a roof and they will never leave you'.

I had this in mind for a long time and got inspired to write on reading a sad girl's heart break . So this one story is going to be very much unrefined but still it would do.

Courtesy: All characters are real and belong to my favorite series 'Simpsons- Season2'

Friday, March 12, 2010

Girl India

A girl in a bikni or a tight skirt will set any average Indian guy drooling. But in the bottom of his heart he will prefer a girl draped in Sari.

Its bit difficult to believe isn’t it? Well check out any Indian porn sites. The ‘in-demand’ girls will be the ones in Saris

Saris can be elegant and sensuous at the same time. You can get it cheap or you can go for obscenely costly ones. There are different modes of wearing saris depending on which part of India you are from. Saris can be won seductively or even in an ultra-orthodox fashion. There are many temples in India were women have to wear saris.

But sadly the Indian girls do not prefer sari much nowadays. It could be because it’s difficult to wear and you might need both time and a second help in wearing it. The toughest part is to walk around in a sari. There is a good chance to trip and fall down stepping into your own sari.

There was this young lady teacher who went in a sari for her lecture. She was not used to this traditional dress and ultimately the students had to give her a hand. During my school days the day we all look forwarded to was the Sari-day. In that day many ugly ducklings turned themselves to graceful swans. There always used to be a few who wore the sari low-waist, good enough to give the guys a few sleepless nights.

But the star attraction was the ones with the perfect boobs. The tight blouse enhanced the shape of their tits. Guys hovered around them to see if they bend down by any chance (for the valleys of course). So naturally the Sari-days were the ones with highest attendance percentage.

But in spite of being exotic, charming, elegant and sensuous sari hasn’t found the right ambassador. Even our star Bollywood actress would never dream of anything other than skirts or gowns when they step out of India. Still India found an ambassador in an unusual woman.

When Elizabeth Taylor married the rich Indian businessman Arun Nayyar every other tabloid claimed it was for his money. Like all other high profile weddings it was predicted to break up soon. No one knew Liz had fallen in love with India. It was kind of ‘buy one get one free’ for Arun when she brought along her son. Arun had a big enough heart for both the mother and son.

Liz hasn’t stopped to amaze the poor Indians with her deep attachment to this ancient land and its customs.

A few weeks back Arun was invited for a charity ball in London. He immediately informed Liz about the invitation. An unusual deadly smile passed through her lips.

‘So I get my best chance to show these bloody tabloids how much Indian I am’. Arun shivered. He had this uneasy feeling of something real bad is about befall upon them.

He learnt from the monthly credit card bill that Liz had ordered for a sari from a top designer in India. ‘She is not a stupid cow after all!’

On the D-day Arun dressed up in his usual tuxedo for the ball. Earlier he had to pay a visit to his hair do and cosmetic expert. He was getting old after all.

He hadn’t seen the special sari Liz had brought. He wanted to surprise himself. He eagerly went to her dressing room.

A single drop of sweat came down the forehead. He was not an expert in Indian dresses or tradition. But this time he knew something was amiss.

‘Darling don’t you think that there should be a blouse to go along with the sari.’

‘Honey this is how real Indians dress up.’

‘And who gave you the idea’. His voice raised slightly. He never had the guts to shout at her. But at times he couldn’t stop himself from getting angry at himself. He wondered how he managed to find his ideal partner in her. He remembered something his grandmother used to say about Karma. May be that was it.

‘Darling we saw women without blouse in that movie, remember? ’ she tried to remind him.

‘But honey that was a porn movie’.

‘Huh-uh, I thought it was an Indian classic’. He stood there shattered. What a luck!

‘Darling I have put on my contact lenses and if I am not mistaken, I see your jugs almost clearly’.

‘That is okay honey, they are silicon anyway’.

He was speechless. So the made for each other couple went for the ball.

In the picture you can see Arun smiling bravely when the whole world is happily ogling at the sight of precious things which should have been his alone to see. What a perfect couple! All Indian women look up to Liz Hurley, who has brought glory to India.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Clean Up

My routine every day morning was to check if any body put a comment to my post.
Yesterday I got mad at myself for apparently no reason and I decided to do a clean up.
I were following many blogs in the hope that they will follow mine.
I realise that it's not how it should be. I should follow a blog based on its merit rather than expecting something in return. And the same rule applies to mine too.
Fearing that I will compromise on my quality I decided to stop following publicly/anaonymously any blog that is not worth it.

I may sound rude and selfish. But THIS IS IT....

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Unlucky still

The first question anyone asks when they learn that you just had been to Goa -"So got lucky with any hot chick?"

Yeah, it's true that we were in our 20's and virgins to date. We would be more than happy to get laid.

But I don't kow the reason behind the notion that hot chicks are waiting in Goa for small town guys to help them erase the blemish of VIRGINITY. There are hot chicks in Goa for sure but there are men with heavy wallet to take care of them. Besides there is nothing sadistic than a paid sevice when you are doing it for the first time.

Patience is the key man. You are sure to get lucky some day...